Secrets You Don't Know You Keep

I was three, maybe four years old. I was sitting in the hay in the barn playing with the barn cat and her kittens. My father walked in. Looked at me and stepped on a kitten. Suddenly and completely. He lifted his foot. It was flattened, it was dead. I was crushed. I cried and yelled at him. His response "It should have been you." I ran to my mother for support. She claimed I made it up. Somehow I made up the kitten. Somehow I fabricated the corpse. She mentally reduced in her reality the number of animals rather than deal with an unpleasant truth.
I remember doing laundry, as a preteen. Hoping no one would catch the stains hidden on dirty white socks. See, I didn't know what sex was, so I did not know the 'fun secret game' played in my teenage uncles' sleeping bag once or twice a year when he came to stay over. I didn't know the slick, sloppy stuff was semen.
The day the issue reared an ugly head in light of day it was dismissed. A made up tale by a crazy child, who was no longer allowed to handle guns. The sleep overs stopped. I found depression, or rather it found me. My eyes stopped seeing the world. My mother had to take me for an eye exam and the verdict was legally blind in second grade. Some days I want to see the world, most days now. Unfortunately, vision doesn't miraculously return.
Each of us has different life experiences, we have different perspectives and stories.
The challenges and hardships we face and surpass give us an appreciation for the gentle, sweet, healthy, beautiful people and world around us.
The last couple of years had ups and downs. I recount these stories not to burden you, but to free you. To free you to let go of secrets you do not know you keep. To heal and release what you are not responsible for.
I have said before not every story is mine to tell, sometimes there are many unspoken truths between lines. You can be drawn to and love someone who is unhealthy for you. You can also realize how unhealthy that is. You can assess the feeling: is it genuine love or just magnetic draw into abuse? Can you choose to heal and let go of the magnet?
I did. Instead of letting things escalate beyond being drawn into emotional pain, mind games, latent potential of physical violence I made a choice. I chose to value myself. I chose the expressions in the eyes and hearts of those who are healthy friends. I chose to set the baggage down and go.
This is the last time I mention them u less it is to talk about breaking cycles of abuse.

The first person who has to break that cycle is you. Facing your inner self and saying I am worth more than this, I deserve better than this, I do not deserve judgement or punishment, this guilt is not mine.
Say it every day. Live it. Let the loving people around you help you flow forward and heal. You deserve to be healthy, loved, respected and empowered. We all do.

Secrets allow abuse to continue. Secrets endorse it. Secrets allow abusers the power to continue, or to move on to an unprepared new target.

You do not always see it coming, it gets blamed on stress, health, finances. It is never acceptable. Never. You are not crazy.

Today I let this all go with a heavy heart. Children and pets. They get caught in the middle. People keep sharing pictures of black cats on my facebook. I love them. I still grieve Rumor. Now I grieve Sadhu as well, Danny has him. I have no idea how Sadhu is. It is the one way he can still affect my emotions. I have reached out for neutral mediation other than that, I have to let it go.
Goodbye sweet Sadhu. I hope life treats you well and I am sorry I didn't force the issue and take you to Scarborough when he insisted you stay with him.

Words Have Power

Each of us has words we associate with experiences and feelings. Rain can bring rainbows or thick mud and brown days. The scent of an Apple pie cooking can be soothing. The sound of peepers at sunset singing for rain may lull you to sleep.

I've lived with words I avoid. Words who bring dark boxes I've put in locked corners of my mind back to the forefront. Like venomous snakes slithering somehow through cracks back out along the edge of perception until an unknowing person innocently drops one like a grenade into the conversation. I physically wince like ice cream hit a nerve in a broken tooth.

The word Joy. It means happiness, exuberance. It was my mother's name. She had a wonderful public mask she strived to be believed as being. She still does. She chased and earned the adoration of the community and my siblings. I was the unwanted child. She had wanted a divorce and an abortion. Face and public opinion were more important. I paid. Those who got close enough saw through her and were there for me. When her bipolar symptoms went unmedicated and she used child protective services as my childhood boogyman, it was my great grandmothers who intervened. She screamed in an empty house as I cried outside hugging reluctant kittens and wondering why life was like this. Joy. Joy screaming. Joy hostile hitting where it would not leave a bruise. Joy threatening to kick me out, so I'd live in a barn or have to pay rent at my own home as a teen. Joy screaming threats when I was asked out by a boy at age 16. Joy intensely telling me how stupid and worthless almost daily for most of my childhood. Joy that my siblings were wanted and oblivious and my father was spineless. I was alone in an unreal reality. No matter how much I achieved I couldn't become valued. The word Love was a weapon wielded just before an emotional net would be dropped and tormenting psychological games would ensue. I learned to hide. I learned to survive. I learned psychology. I learned avoidance. I learned to strive. I learned to ensure. I learned I wanted more than to exist in a world with that kind of Joy. 

That is what Joy was. 

Not anymore. I disowned my parents years ago. I ran. I've crossed the country dropping baggage at each beautiful place and with each achievement. The shadow of the past always had a feeling of dread. These horrible unhealthy people would force their way back into my head. Then I realized they cannot. I pick who is in my heart and in my head. I'm not running anymore. Their baggage is gone. There's no feeling left. Joy doesn't hurt anymore. 

Joy is a beautiful day with friends. Joy is a feeling of happiness after a great achievement. Joy is a purring kitten held close, the sound of bluebird on a sunny day, the shared shenanigans of silly side jokes. Joy is what I make it. Its my choice.

I'm digging through the old boxes, I'm releasing the snakes out of my head. They were not anything to be afraid of.
The part of me that gave them power was and it's long past time for me to own that.

What do you have locked in your head? Have you taken the time to look again and reassess? Take the power out of the larger than life villains, see how pathetic they become in the light of grown up life.
Leave the baggage in the past and see where tomorrow takes you. 

Who Feeds Your Monsters?

There is a Native American parable about two wolves, asking which wolf is stronger. Which is stronger, fear or courage? The one you feed.

Our minds are virtual worlds we dwell within. On the outside there may be little or no sign of what is really going on in that inner world. There can be great beauty, serenity and healthy forests as well as vibrant gardens. There can be tome after tome of experience and knowledge that we've gathered. Our emotions dwell as ephemeral creatures there. Pure, incredible and each completely different. Elation moves like a feather on a gentle breeze becoming sometimes a leaping deer excited by the freedom to run or a pack of coyotes excited by the anticipation of a tasty meal. Not everything is tranquil. There are places it is better not to tread without the right gear.

There can be scars leaving vast deserts, dangerous shale cliffs that look impressive but may slide us back into scar country. There are monsters as well, darker emotions and thoughts that stalk beneath the sand and water of day to day waiting for the right moment to lash out and reopen wounds we've worked to heal. These monsters in your head are disheartening and exhausting to face. You do your best not to feed them, you build trust with others to let the light in, to weaken their influence through forgiveness, compassion, and love.

You do your best to be aware of them without triggering them, handling them like an old crate of dynamite which has come to life. Part of you feels shame that you can't simply get rid of the damn beasts. You think you've shooed them out, cried them out, fought them out, forgave them out but they spring back to life like a vampire in a B movie. You don't always know how they got there, you can't undo or unlive the scarring that drew them in to feed. You didn't know you were feeding them, until you got older and wiser.

You may have stopped feeding them.

Then they come back. Who is feeding the monsters in your head? It is important to be aware of who you allow in, who you allow to influence your heart, your mind and your body.

Often, without realizing it, people feed the monsters in each other's heads. Some people become living caricatures of their inner inner demons losing themselves rather than fighting. Others disconnect in various ways to maintain stability in their uncertain inner world.

Do your friends and loved ones communicate with you out of love? Do they honor you? What motivates the friendship you have, is it healthy or destructive? Is it real? Do they feed your monsters? Do they even know you well enough to know what you face? Do you know their monsters, do you help them resist and neutralize them or do you feed them?

Which wolf is stronger? The one you feed. The one that our perception of circumstances and the influence of verbal and nonverbal communication combine to feed.

Real, healthy friendships help us face these thoughts and feelings with compassion rather than recriminations or negativity. Believe me, we know how frustrating and disheartening it is to have them rear their heads. It's worse than peeing your pants as a small child in front of a group of people. Humiliation only feeds the monsters. If you want to help, to be a strong, healthy friend, be honest and aware. Be aware of body language, words, and of triggers. The most amazing thing you can do, feed our strengths, feed the thoughts and feelings that combat the monsters. Feed our love, self esteem, self worth, our trust. Affirm what is or what we can heal and grow into being.

The worst thing someone you trust can do is use your monsters for their own agenda or be insensitive to our struggles. Imagine being injured while the people you love and trust do not seem to notice. How would you feel?

Today, consider your friendships, consider the quality of relationship you have with those around you.

Are you feeding their monsters, are you manipulating them into a place where old behavior and thought patterns reemerge wreaking harm?

Are you feeding their inner hero and guardian? Are you planting seeds for a beautiful, healthy person tomorrow? There is nothing as powerful as a truly caring friend in that inner world.

Many people struggle with their monsters  inside without ever giving a word to those around them when they need support. They fight and feed, get exhausted then just feed the monsters in a spiral of self destructive judgements. Be aware, be attentive, and be forgiving, take the time- real friends are worth it.

Today, I ask, who feeds the monsters in your head? Communicate. Express how you feel and what you perceive. If you don't, your friends may not realize they fuel an inner hell. The hard part is, you care for friends and family but they may wound you deeper than anyone else because you open up to them, they may not even be aware of the damage they do- so caught up in their own day to day inner worlds.

Remember:

You are beautiful. You are strong. The past is past. You won before, you can again. Mistakes are accidents we can learn from. You CAN pick who you allow into your inner world, choose wisely.

Focus on how far you've come. Plan actions to heal you, reach out and do what brings a smile back. Even if it starts out weak and tentative. Find something to laugh about. Come up with your own inner mantra, words and images you can use to pick what your emotions feed. Forgive yourself. Get outside your head.

 

Emotional Trauma and The Absurdity of How We Respond

Emotional Trauma and the Absurdity of How We Respond

There is nothing absurd about trauma. Do not treat someone who has gone through trauma as if their reactions are too much or absurd! Do not belittle them or rush them in how they deal with it. Impatience only adds to the difficulty they experience. Be a REAL support! 

Emotional trauma happens, we do not want it to but it happens in life. Everyone is a separate individual. Everyone has different thoughts, feelings, drives, desires and aversions. Everyone experiences life events from a different perspective.

One of the first critical lessons we learned in my graduate courses regarding trauma was mind bending. One of the biggest, most traumatic source of conflict comes from the aftermath of trauma. People living in the same house experience different relationships with one another. Two siblings can have opposite experiences. Neighbors and friends of the family may see only the 'public' face and not bear witness to the words that aren't posted on the Facebook feed. Different people have completely different experiences of the SAME event! Your parent may have complimented you and bought you wonderful gifts, but turned around and guilt tripped your sibling, embarrassing them and buying them cheap unwanted baubles.

People assume that their friends and relatives feel and act the same whether they are in public or not. They assume that they would make decisions the same way that they do. They put words in their mouths. They hear the words and judge the feelings to be there. They do this with no idea of what really went on, no idea of how what they are saying could be harmful as they were not there. They were not a fly on the wall watching abuse or neglect. They only have the glib words and public face, the persona adopted by someone to be successful outside of their house.

We always want to help. Especially when the holidays come around. Family is part of the holiday theme, so is togetherness. There is a black and white movie appeal at bringing estranged family together again. Stop! Do you know that the holidays are a time of stress for those who have trauma in their past? Many have found balance or peace, they turn their faces forward and appreciate the good in life while you reach out and shake their shoulders and spin them around saying "They LOVE you, I know!" The worst injustice, the cruelest act of kindness that you could ever do. Never assume. Assuming in someone else's relations is absurd. You are not them, if you respect their ability to make decisions then accept that they have good reasons for making the choices they have.

You are wonderful for wanting to help them heal! You are caring, you mean well! Let me give you a better suggestion.

Listen to them. Ask them open ended questions. Never use words that indicate that you know someone else's feelings or thoughts. Validate their emotions and experiences. Offer them support. Do not try to reconnect people. Do not take word of one to the other. To someone who had trauma in their past, words put in the mouths of the people who scarred their hearts are like sharp knives. They can easily slice open old wounds.

Look at the people who cry out about how wonderful they are and how tragic it is that someone in their family or an ex will not respond to their attempts to connect. I don't mean look on the surface. I mean how honest are they? Do they work hard to always have the right appearance? Do they manipulate others into viewing them the way they choose? Are they manipulative? Do they have mood swings? What do they say and how do they sound when they lose their temper? Do they misuse substances? Do they have trauma in their past, that they may or may not have dealt with?

Keep your thoughts to yourself but you may see the edges of their carefully created fabrication if you really look. They REALLY do want you to approve of them. They REALLY do want you to believe that they care. In a warped way, they probably do. Abusers and people who are neglectful dislike it when others realize they are flawed. They do not like being called out. They will claim that what is said is lies, while rewriting the past in their minds. They change their history, they believe the new words. "I fell down the stairs, the dog ran off, he loves me." See eventually, the abused learns to believe them too.

It becomes a cycle. It passes from one generation to the next. The cycle can be broken. You can support someone who is struggling. Encourage them to be honest to themselves. Validate their experiences. Hug them. Laugh with them. Keep their eyes focused forward. When they get frustrated or stressed, encourage them to use their skills to face the challenges. Never put someone else's words in your mouth. Even if you are a parent, a lover, a sister, a brother- even if you are loving, not everyone else is the same as you. Many pay lip service to saying they are but often behind closed doors are not.

Some people get mired in trauma. They dwell in it every day. Help them get passed it by encouraging them to seek professional help. If they are already doing that but still playing the drama card, it is self esteem they lack.

Self esteem takes work to build, especially when it was destroyed when a child was growing up. Self esteem has no relation to how smart you are, how nice you are, how talented you are. Self esteem is about how you feel about yourself in relation to the world. Do you value yourself? Do you value what you have to offer the world? 

It is absurd how many people in this country struggle with self esteem issues, and yet we do not teach how to enhance it in school! We haphazardly cobble together treatments for substance abuse, depression, anxiety, social disorders… These can be caused by other issues BUT often self esteem plays the largest role. We do nothing to stop the perpetual cycle of self esteem destruction in the next generation. We do nothing to empower them. We enable them. We teach them to take tests. We give them technology that they can use to learn languages and other cultures-instead they use it for video games and gossip. Who taught them that? 

When I worked substance abuse treatment I taught anger management. I have taught thousands of veterans anger management. Vets came from other states to the treatment program I worked at, just to take my classes. We did not use the cookie cutter book. We talked about real, valid emotions. We waded through the ugly emotions and addressed the thoughts as well. We went over the body's response to stimuli that we perceive as causing anger. We discussed ways to manage anger not just count to ten and skip away. Funny it is in every book, but when someone has REAL anger-they admit they use the ten count to aim!

The vets I worked with stayed after the group one day. A room full of guys sat waiting. I asked what everyone was hanging back for. They looked at each other. The bravest one spoke. He said they had talked. They all knew that what they really needed was self esteem. They had no idea how to learn it. They had talked about who could teach them. They knew that their anger, their substance abuse, their interpersonal conflicts arose from their self esteem issues. They chose me to teach them. I sat down. Self esteem is a tough topic. It comes from perception based on emotions. When it is negative or defunct, you are going to face all that in helping someone heal it. I have gone through it myself.

People can recognize when someone has. The vets knew. They asked me to create the groups. I went to my boss and obtained permission. I gave it a lot of thought. I did research on what was out there. There was a curious lack of resources. Just Pollyanna Sunshine butterflies and rainbow pictures saying "believe in yourself." If it were that simple, no one would struggle at all. No one chooses to have low self esteem. I went to a coworker I respected. Chaplain Jerry, he taught another group with me and in had told me how he dealt with low self esteem in his own life in the past. I asked Jerry to help me create the groups. I showed him what I had, he and I created a series of groups that would span eight weeks with two-one hour sessions a week. After that, individuals could stay in an advanced group meeting weekly to work on projects.

We watched the movie "Pay It Forward." The vets in the group identified events in their past as well as how they handled them that affected their self esteem. The events that had a negative impact more often than not related to someone else's statements or judgement of them! The things that were destroying them were the words of someone else!

How do you build self esteem? Accomplish what is in your heart, be active in doing the things you love. Building confidence. Building successes, setting goals and working toward them. Achievements. Exercise and good diet. Mostly, learning to listen to the little voice in your heart. Learning that what it says is valid. Choosing to do what is in your heart; whether it is to stand up and say "no more" or to go to a soup kitchen and volunteer--these things can build a self esteem that has been beat into the ground.

For the holidays, instead of dishing out words from someone else's mouth, give support. Help build up the people you love. Keep other people's words out of your mouth!

I am working on a book on Healing Trauma and Guided Meditations. I will address this more in the book.