Words vanish as I try to write, to put feelings and thoughts where I can see them or even begin to address them. From a distance I have read about the passing of loved ones, family members of loved ones, illnesses, surgeries, emotional struggles, isolation, and frustration. I've been lucky that at the darkest times lived ones and friends have shared inspiring stories, connections and successes in the face of stress and uncertainty. The right customers have come in at the right time with the right words, unknowing of how important they are and how motivating they are.
In the face of things, I work for a small business that has had to adapt to many changes because of Covid. We have worked hard and stayed careful so that we keep our staff, their families and the sodas we bottle safe. I am not a Nurse or Doctor, but I am one of the people who gives you a safe place to go to get away from it all for a brief time, and hopefully gets to make you smile.
I've worked through the pandemic. Packing curbside pick ups, washing basket handles, regularly washing frequently touched surfaces, enforcing curbside service or properly worn masks in the store. Working with an amazing lady, Gretchen, who gives us her homemade cloth masks to give to everyone.
So many feelings, thoughts and experiences. Dealing with rude, childish behaviors and tantrums from people who want to throw fits rather than be considerate, less each week but they still happen. Folks wrapped up in denial, who haven't seen the giant list of friends posting, heart broken by Covid deaths in their families. They haven't read posts written by friends who've had severe cases and been hospitalized or isolated with symptoms for months. They want to use the stats to downplay the severity and death toll, saying the flu kills people or it's just old people. People is the key word. The minute it's okay for a large amount of people to die for selfish excuses- there is a problem. What if it was young people? If it's not as bad as the flu why are more people dead in less than a year in the US than live in the city of San Bernardino California? Why is it suddenly cool to doubt science?
It's exhausting. Each day you look at that days goals and expectations. Each day you aim for three out of five.
I find myself more avidly following and reading scientific articles, reading inspiring posts by friends, watching their year through pictures, playing hours of Mario kart just to let go of the static stress that is just from the different challenges the year haas brought.
I come up with my apocalypse bingo card before the next month. For November: Political unrest, a blizzard, more fires, marshmallow shortage, a volcano in Washington state, erupting, a bear stealing a car in Colorado at a fast food drive through, three large hurricanes, Flying Clams, invasive jumping beans from Mexico, and penguins reveal they are secretly controlling the reptile people who control the world, and seven small tsunamis. They aren't things you hope for, but if you plan your bingo card for the worst, when the month isn't as bad as your card you sigh relief.
It's dark humor and it's working. It could be worse.
I am grateful in this dark year to have a significant other who is supportive, and reminds me to slow down. Rapture curls up on my lap and purrs, following us around the apartment like we are in a parade. Our neighbors have become our friends. Blue Sun has grown, and we now have two locations open in the Twin Cities, our team loves what we do and we have a diversity of skills, experiences, and character that gives us balance. Our garden was fruitful both in the produce we harvested as well as uplifting the mood of everyone who walked past it.
I've wrestled with what do I say? How do I put down in words the feelings, thoughts? I don't need to. You feel them. You think them. There are highs and lows. It is dark out there. It could be darker. I'm glad it is not.
