Take Care of You First

Altruism is fantastic, in real life it is rare. This has been a year of hard lessons, apparently I hadn't learned them well enough so they came back bigger. Don't ever let anyone convince you that you are responsible for their life and wellbeing while they refuse to attend to their own wellness or even identify goals. Do not accept the people closest to you gaslighting or abusing you. Emotional, financial and psychological abuse are just as real and painful as physical abuse. And regardless of a pandemic, if someone is doing that: do not let the door kick them in the ass on the way out. They are not your responsibility. You do not have to live with someone insulting and belittling you while you work to pay the bills of two people. 

Be careful who you put on a lease. I got stuck with that problem because I offered a place for a guy to put his life back together after he left an abusive relationship. Only, it takes two to tango and he did not deal with or address his own abusive behaviors. It cost my savings to get him to leave in May, after the first trip to the ER. When he made it transparent that he had zero empathy or consideration. While I was working and balancing a budget to pay my medical bills, he was buying guitars he doesn't know how to play. 

The pain got worse and worse. It really started three years ago in Oklahoma, after several large boards fell and hit my head. I'll condense this part: three years of pain that became an avalanche by the time the right doctors and tests got involved. Three years of the damage quietly getting more severe, and pain I couldn't escape. 

Take care of you first: do not accept jobs for employers who do not invest in their employees or their companies. If they dislike the customers, if they smile about being obnoxious to employees, if they ignore their own business, yet put more and more of the hats to run that business on your head; step back. Are the pay and benefits competitive, considering the work you are doing? Are you being recognized as the person doing them? 

I worked so hard to keep Blue Sun open throughout the pandemic, without recognition, without a raise, without hazard pay, without any acknowledgement. My work made it possible for the company to keep it's doors open and expand to three locations. I encouraged the owner to purchase a local soda distribution company that wanted to sell. He wasn't overly interested, but I could see the potential. He purchased it. He was able to hire a two person full time team to handle the newly expanded Distribution. There was no reward, no recognition, no financial incentive in any of this for me, the General Manager. The owner smiled as revenue went up. It impacted his wallet. I argued for competitive wages. I could see that my arguments irritated the owner. I could not get the staff I needed at the pay offered, to do all the tasks that needed doing. I was having to go to food banks for groceries as a store manager, that is how far from competitive my wages were. I grew a company, the company won rewards and recognition based on training and events I created and implemented, but my name might as well be written on water. You can see the murals I painted. You can drink flavors I designed or assisted in designing, but there was no recognition of my value. The day after the Doctor benched me due to the severity of nerve inflammation in my spinal canal, they already had my staff picture off the wall. That was my thanks. 

The surgery went well, the instructions were "do not lift more than seven pounds" for three months after surgery. But I am not wealthy. I had years of underpaying jobs and optimistic choices, hoping for the best but reality was far from it. Ever trying to build a stable future, to invest my energy into a business I can grow with that offers incentives and competitive pay. I'd like to be given credit for the accomplishments I have made. Recovering from surgery, when there is something over seven pounds, there is no help around. Or when you need it moved is when someone says "When you need that moved, let me know." And you say, "yeah, now." And they're already gone, so you move what you aren't supposed to. 

When you can't afford rent, so you relocate where rent is half of what it is in Minnesota but there are hurdles. The last renter trashed the apartment. Several friends offered places to stay to recover, but there was a price tag that was too steep. They weren't offering out of altruism, they were offering because they wanted intervention on issues they had allowed to build in themselves and their environments and they wanted me there to set their lives right. A free live in Psychologist, but that is not what I need. I don't need to take care of other people's wellbeing. I need to take care of my own. To heal from surgery. To research and secure employment for a company that is supportive and healthy to work for, I am worth investing in and I am tired of investing myself in companies that do not deserve that investment; I weave gold from straw, in the past being recompensed with whatever low wage they could get away with. I hit fifteen an hour the start of my second year Managing Blue Sun: and that was more than a managing position, it was also warehouse managing, ordering, staffing, online sales and promotions, special events, retail sales, scheduling; it was everything. For Fifteen. I am worth more than that. 

My resolution for 2022 is to take care of me. To evaluate life and career decisions: to make sure I am taking care of myself, as I can't be healthy or be there fully for any career or relationship unless I value myself highly enough not to allow situations like the one I am in to develop. I can run seven small businesses at the same time and rotate them seasonally. I can grow a small business into a chain, even during a pandemic. I am capable of a lot more than that, and I would rather not devote that energy to businesses that do not deserve that level of investment or service. 

For 2022 my goals are to secure employment for a company I am proud to invest my energy in and grow with, to be selective in who my supports are and to keep addressing my wellbeing. Not carrying the baggage of the past, but using the lessons of the past to prevent repeating the same mistakes. Taking things one day at a time, to build the future I have always wanted. 

Take care of You First, if you do not; no one else will; life is not a war, and bad jobs, bad relationships: do not invest in them. It is healthy to walk away, learn your lessons, heal and grow. 

Oh God She Said Inventory Season!

     Inventory, the season of reconciliation. At work in the last six months we have changed procedure and the app we use to do inventory several times which meant count again. Confirm counts. It seemed like every week we were doing the counts again endlessly. Some of the items we had the stock memorized on by the fifth go around. Why is it important: if you don't know what you've got how do you know when you need more or when you've got more than enough and can use your budget for other things? 

    In life it is important to take inventory as well, on your progress toward professional and personal objectives. Where are you at on your path, what tools have you gained or set aside? What changes have you made toward your future plans from the experiences you live every day? A month ago, I looked around and realized I was so busy counting bottles I hadn't checked in on myself in a while.

    I took a step outside of myself, set aside excuses and bullshit; took a good look. How did I feel? What did I want? Who was I choosing to be close to? Who was supportive? Who was detrimental? What barriers to success in my heart, work, and home? 

    I took a good look, my head kept spiking with pain on the left side. I didn't know then I was in need of a root canal and that pain was from a dental procedure that should have been done by the Dentist but he handed his work of to his employees. If you are going to hand off work: make sure the person you are handing it off to addresses it properly and professionally. I hurt most days, and by the end of the day it was rough. I came home compromising with someone who claimed to love me, but not find me attractive or even really want to look at me for conversation. He sought dramas and dumpster fires to inventory every day, throwing other people's lives at me without asking them or me how we felt about such information being shared. I really just wanted to come home and relax but my coffee cup was in the wrong spot (the world is ending!) After coming home from the ER, having gotten a ride from a friend, the comment I got from the peanut gallery was "ran up a big bill for nothing." Not are you okay, not sorry I didn't sober up to pick you up, or sorry I wasn't there for you, not even a hug. 

    It got me taking that inventory on my life. How had I ended up with someone expressing hostility and criticism without even a smile, encouragement or any interest in me? I felt like I was a teenager in my parents house. Nope. Been there, done that, can I pack up your stuff and show you the door? This time I stood up for myself. I claimed my space, my life, my future. Peter Pan is a cool character in a fairy tale, in real life a Peter Pan is not a lover or soul mate, they always put themselves first and love to throw chaos at you to keep you off balance. The warning signs were there at the beginning, every time he told a life story and I went to share one he cut me off with 'we don't need to brag' then back into another story. Funny thing is, after a few years, most folks run out of interesting stories. Mine got bottled up. Tighter and tighter. When a Storyteller goes silent, that is when you should be concerned. Is he a bad guy or terrible person? No, his life and his decisions are his responsibility. Were we a healthy couple? No. I tried communication and compromise. He used ultimatums and all or nothing statements. His way was the only right way. I disagreed. I wish him a fantastic future, good health and success. His path is not mine. I hope we both learned some lessons that make the future easier. I am not perfect by any means. He wasn't the first to complain that I was remote. By that point I was in my mental inventory weighing him against the past lessons and mistakes I made. Unfairly, or fairly; I weighed his emotional lack of attachment versus my friends and peers. How do others treat me? Why such a marked difference: allegedly I am an inconsiderate, demanding, disorganized, unattractive asshole at home: even possibly the ultimate evil in the whole universe (insert maniacal laugh here) but a considerate, outgoing, motivated, connected and somewhat disorganized person at work? I wasn't changing personality or demeanor or language or body language. I was using a flawed mirror. What he saw when I walked in the door was all the traits in himself that made him feel negative.  What I was seeing in the people I interacted with everywhere else: that was a real mirror. Don't fret at the shape you look in a funhouse mirror: it is a funhouse mirror.

    I held the door open for my future, packed his boxes and moved them to the hallway as he picked them up to move on. I am enjoying my time with me. Getting back to just being me. Not coming home to someone trying to convince me I need them when I've handled life on my own all my life. Hell, I started working when I was 12. Reconnecting with the friends and people I really care about, staying connected. Addressing my health, working on my future and taking that long deep look into me and saying 'What am I so afraid of that I'd settle for a bad, loveless relationship instead of facing and stepping forward in my life?' I have reached a point where I love my friends, they've taught me to set a high bar. This time, it was that awareness that made a difference. Funny thing is, a lot of times you know what you want but you don't always have the words to ask but when the time is right, even if it takes twenty years, words won't be needed. 

  I share the big, ugly lessons I face down and wrestle with because I know I am not the only one. I know that sometimes what makes a difference for someone going through a rough time is reading or hearing that they are not alone and it is okay to put yourself, your wellbeing and future first. It doesn't make you broken, bad, stupid to make mistakes. Stupid is when we excuse or avoid them instead of learning from them. Break a glass on the floor, pretend it's not broken: someone will get cut. Avoid that broken glass, again sooner or later it'll be in your path. Get a broom and sweep it up. Takes a few seconds. Solves a lot of problems and prevents unnecessary pain. 

I wish you the best as you work on you, your passions, your future: the things that make your eyes light up. I wish you love and peace as you wrestle with your own inner demons and critics. Your future and your life is what you choose it to be. You choose who gets to be a part of it. Choose wisely.