Mythology tells the story of a man who rolls a huge boulder up a mountain only to find himself at the base of the mountain again, same boulder waiting to be pushed to the summit. We’ve all heard the story. We’ve all nodded at it, thought how stupid it was, and wondered why the guy perpetually keeps trying. Seriously, how many attempts do you make before you walk away or push the boulder in another direction?
Obsession? Desperation? The perception that there is only one path ahead of you? The story was meant to be a lesson, not to let yourself lose sight of the other paths open to you. I spent a lot of years pushing boulders uphill, only to find myself still at the base of the mountain looking up. Rebuild again, redefine again, start over and never look down. Each push exhausting, each attempt full of lessons. Determination kept me moving forward. The day came where I sat down next to the boulder. Where had all my efforts gotten me? They gave me the chance to travel, but not the budget to really appreciate the places I went. I grew friendships and through those saw my friends fighting their own battles- some also pushing their own boulders while others stood in the water unable to appreciate the resources around them- unable to even drink what rippled beneath their chin.
I reached a point where I stopped caring about the top, the rock and realized the story isn’t really about either of those things. It is entirely about you. How many times do you have to start over? How many times do you have to collect all the tools to survive and thrive? How many times do you have to let go of what you’ve gained to step forward?
No more living in a tent without electric. No more outdoor living in uncertain weather. Suddenly, you have tools. A chisel, to break apart the stone. To turn that rock into smaller stones you can build with. You start making bricks. Now you can make a place to live. A safe place, your own place instead of just being a guest in other people’s lives.
The hardest step is letting go of the fight, the excuses why you need to keep doing what isn’t making you happy or helping you grow. Letting go of the scars and wounds from your past, the ones you don’t even realize shape your life costing you more than you know. Sabotaging success and leaving you questioning your worth and echoing the worst parts of your past.
I started a new life in Oklahoma, following my grandfather’s wisdom. I worked hard. Constantly worked to do my best running five businesses. Ordering, inventory, displays, hiring, overseeing shops and employees. Never making enough money to move forward on my goals, but at least making enough to keep pushing the rock up the hill. This spring I was setting up a shop and had two hardwood boards come down on the top of my head.
The pain was immense. I had to keep pressure on my head just to make the pain bearable. I couldn’t see how bad it was. I was terrified. No one who saw it would let me see their facial expressions after they saw it. Several people let me know later that they had seen my skull, that when I moved my hands for them to look at the wound, blood spurted about five feet forward. Friends kept me calm while the doctor put staples in. Memories were foggy, it was hard to remember moment to moment at first. For several weeks the headache was non-stop. Then with weather changes. I was still anxious. No referral to a neurologist. No after care. It’s reality without health insurance. I didn't tell many people how bad the accident and injury really were.
Post concussive disorder, headaches, blood pressure spikes were a thing. I ended up in the ER, the doctor there echoed my friends. Find a more supportive job with less stress, and if possible seek one out with benefits. Put yourself first instead of the rock. Most of my possessions are still sitting in a van in Oklahoma, because it was more important to move in a new direction; than to have things. Surviving a flood taught me you can always rebuild and get new things. The move has been positive.
Stress is lower. I’m not pushing a rock uphill every day. I’m feeling better and able to look at my future and chop the proverbial rock apart to shape it into anything I choose to. It feels good, not to be driven. For a while, as I traveled without a safety net, not knowing when my next gig would be, my mantra was “flying not falling.” I was a leaf spinning in the wind, hoping the updrafts would keep me from hitting ground. I had to learn that I couldn’t break that cycle until I landed. When you see someone living that cycle, there is nothing you can say that will change things for them. They’ve got internal struggles and perceptual issues they have to face to see their own hand in the flawed and dangerous path their life is on.
You have to care for yourself enough to chose to create a healthy environment for yourself. You have to want to build a future rather than just survive or escape the worst parts of your past. These sound like simple things, but in reality, they are part of everyone’s every day struggles. Some never face them, excusing every interaction in their lives as chance, luck or someone else’s fault. Some dive into the unhealthiest situations and relationships just to destroy themselves faster, or passively live in a purgatory of their own making. We each have choices, so are you rolling a boulder up a hill or are you living?
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