Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Out of Control: Life

We like to assume that we have control of the events in our lives. We like to think we pull all of our own strings. Accidents, genetics, luck, chance, and random malicious people remind us on occasion how wrong we are. No matter how cautious, regardless of how vigilant, there will always be infinite options we haven't anticipated and may not be able to change. We're always on the road to El Dorado, as human beings it is our nature to seek the fantastic. We never like to think that one day our quest could be disrupted with tubes going in and out of various parts of our bodies. We don't like to think how frail we really are.

This is the slowest three hours I've lived in years. The slowest time since I was treated for cervical cancer. It is amazing how fast time goes when you are in the shower. It's horrendous how slowly it congeals when you wait for word on a loved one's medical conditions.

One of those days where you have no idea what will come, only hopes in the skill of a medical team and odds. It's a day where you don't want a loved one to be an exception.

No matter how much love or prayer is out there, what will be is what will be. We learned that heartbreaking lesson when Rumor died last fall. Hundreds sent prayers, love, light and vibes yet he was cold and stiff and gone when we found him. The love of our friends surrounded us, and gave solace yet there will always be an emptiness. Loss is an emptiness that is impossible to fill, it has to heal and it will never be the same. The subconscious craves completion, strives to find something to fill the void of loss, something to take away the ache from drugs to food or shopping or work- anything to shut down the unbearable pain of not having.

Three hours have passed. Chance, skill, luck, genetics, technology and love perhaps wound together for a good outcome. No amount of money is worth more than holding the warm, live hand of a loved one.

Today, take a moment to tell the people you love that you love them. Tell the ones you appreciate how you feel. Let go of petty preoccupations.

Make good memories, remember life is not always in our control. Do not assume what you always have will always be, savor it while it's there. in the end our experiences are all we have.

I almost drowned once. I was a teenager. I remember the silky elusive footing in the pond. I remember the pain and black in my vision. I remember being alone and letting go. My feet found the solid bottom of the pond and primal survival instinct kicked. I ended up at the shore vomiting and coughing, water running out of my nostrils like twin faucets someone forgot to turn off. In that last moment of awareness before everything went black: memories not posessions and the frustration that there weren't many and that there really weren't many worth having.

I've chosen a hard, beautiful path in life. When that moment comes again I can say the memories I've been making are worth having with people I'm honored to love.

How we choose to perceive our lives, how we choose to interact with each other- these things are critical. No one should need a hand up, we should always have our hands out for each other. This world could use more sharing, caring, and giving and less greed, apathy, and intolerance. In the end, we only have each other. Statistics demonstrate that lives start and end constantly around the world. No one has an expiration date stamped on their wrist, we all have the choice to live or live life like it's a waiting room. I can't force you to choose to live, only you can open the door to life just as you are the only one who can choose to click the the lock and exist on autopilot.